Random Facts

So Claire tagged me to share random facts about myself. I usually don't do these types of things, but since so many others have I figure I'll conform.

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 random and / or weird facts about yourself.

3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.

_______

My 7 Thingies:

1. I hate it when people wear blacks that don't match. Whether you want to believe it or not, there ARE different shades of black, and you just look bad if you're wearing black pants that don't match your black top.

2. I am horrible at estimating time. I consistently underestimate the amount of time I need to get everywhere. I'm learning that I need to take how long I think I'll need to get somewhere, and add 50%. That's how bad it is.

3. I fiddle and fidget a lot. My napkins are always absolutely destroyed by the end of a meal, as is any leftover food. I know it's sometimes disgusting, but I can't stop unless those things are taken away from me (which Laura often does).

4. When I'm walking on the street and I see a Green Peace worker or Gay Rights advocate or Democratic Party volunteer or pretty much anyone with a clipboard, I pull out my cell phone and have a pretend conversation so I don't have to talk to them. This happens at least once a week.

5. I dread, literally dread, the end of Daylight Savings Time every year. This Sunday will be one of the saddest days of the year for me. On the flip side, I love, literally love, the start of Daylight Savings Time. That extra hour of sunlight at the end of the day really makes a huge difference in my temperament.

6. I am a night person. If I could have my ideal schedule, I would stay up until four and wake up at noon. I know this seems to contradict #5, but it doesn't. I think there's just something inherently depressing about darkness before the end of the workday.

7. I love games of all types. Video games, board games, card games, all of them. I don't know why I like them so much, since I don't enjoy competition in any other arena, but there you have it.

I tag: No one. I'm pretty sure everyone I know has been covered.

So sleepy

It's another bright and early Tuesday morning for the Ziesels. My wife is currently taking a nap on a couch in the student lounge. I'm starting to realize that I feel really angsty on these early mornings. I think it's a combination of being really tired and always having so much to do. For instance, this morning was our student leadership meeting/Bible study, then I meet with two guys later today, then I have my student Bible study tonight, then I have staff Bible study tomorrow morning in Worcester (an hour away), then I have community group Bible study that evening, then another student meeting on Thursday, then a meeting with our campus overseer, then Nav Night, then a funding/soul care meeting that evening/Friday morning, then a student get-together on Friday night. And I have to prepare for all this stuff ahead of time, as well as write and mail our overdue newsletter, write recommendation request letters for my grad school apps, and start filling out those apps. It just seems to all be so overwhelming when you're operating on four hours of sleep. If I just think about it rationally though, it's really not that bad. It's just like working any other 40 hour a week job. And at least this is more enjoyable (at times).

On top of all this, God is starting (continuing?) to work on my heart about grad school. I'm realizing that I've got a tight grip on this prospect, and in a lot of ways I'm not asking God what He thinks about it. I did really, really well on the GRE, and now that I have such a good score I'm ready to just move on with my plans, and I really want to shut out or ignore the positives of continuing here for at least another year. In my heart of hearts, I don't want to stay, and I think I'm fearful that God might ask me to. I just want to shut down emotionally and not feel anything towards the students and the city here because as soon as I feel, I become attached. And when I become attached I get really sad about the prospect of leaving. I think God's trying to teach me something about how I use and abuse my emotions, which is very uncomfortable for me, but I know I need to learn it.

I do love the students here. I think it really hit home last week. I genuinely, deeply care for these people and want to see the best for them. And it stings to feel like I'm putting my own professional interests ahead of these wonderful people. In so many ways, I just want to continue walking life with them. I'm becoming attached, and that scares me.

You know what also scares me? Quarantine. Such a freaky movie. I loved it though.

You know what I can't wait for? The freaking election. I just want to vote already and get this over with. And I want to stop seeing election ads.

And now I have to wake Laura up, but I don't want to because she looks so peaceful. I really do love this woman. A lot. I'll just leave it at that.

Ugh...

Well, unless I'm completely dense, I've just discovered that I don't like Blogger as much as Xanga. I can't seem to find any privacy options for blog entries. Either you restrict all of your blog entries or none of them. I hate that. I liked being able to make individual entries private if I wanted to.

I guess I'll just post a tamed down version of my blog entry here.

I feel paralyzed with anxiety right now. I’m worried about the GRE. I’m worried about grad school applications. I’m worried about finances. I’m worried about my core lies. I’m worried about my relationships with almost everybody.

I have a huge knot in my stomach right now, partially because I’ve had too much coffee this morning and partially because of all the anxiety. I literally have not felt this anxious since right before I got married. But at least that was justifiable. I have no justification for this.

I’m worried because I’m self-centered. I care about myself and my comfort and my image far more than I care about glorifying God. I’m selfish, and God loves me anyway. But even preaching the gospel to myself is not helping. It’s not penetrating me. I don’t really believe it.

I don’t trust that God loves me and will do what’s best for me. Things have been going so well over the past few months, and I’m just waiting for God to come and screw my life up again because that’s what He does. He doesn’t want me to be happy. He wants me to be holy. And that only comes through pain and suffering.

I’m waiting for Laura and I to have a huge fight, because we can’t stay happy. I’m waiting to get rejected from grad schools, because God doesn’t want me to have what I want. I’m waiting to be rejected by Laura, because she can’t possibly love me. I’m waiting to leave BU a failure because we were unable to have the gospel take root in our students’ lives. I’m waiting to just die already because God’s given up.

I don’t feel God’s presence in my life. I’m already tired. I have no friends directly involved in my life anymore, and it’s killing me right now. Why is it so damn hard to have healthy, non-sexual relationships with people? Why is Laura the only person I feel I can be myself with? I understand that’s the way it’s supposed to be in a lot of ways, but I feel like she’s becoming an idol in my life, and that brings up a whole separate host of issues. I seriously feel sometimes like my identity is becoming tied to Laura’s approval and love for me. What happens if I lose that? Do I just go back to being the way I was? Have I not really changed at all? Am I not really being me with her? Do I truly care about what God wants for me, or do I only care about what Laura thinks of me? It’s such a dangerous situation to be in, and I don’t know how to get out of that.

I want to go to counseling again, but there’s no way in hell we can afford it right now. That’s another thing. I feel like I’m failing my wife financially. She just married into tons of debt. If I go to grad school, that’s even more debt. We’re not even fully funded now, and money seems to be a constant source of pressure. I feel like I’m just not able to provide for Laura, and I’m so worried about how that looks to everyone else. And I worry about what Laura thinks of me, not only in this area but in all areas. I’m worried that she’s holding something back, that she’s trying to protect my feelings, but really deep down she’s disgusted with me and is just resigned to live the rest of her life with me because now we have to. And I’m afraid to talk about these fears with her because if I rock the boat too much things will explode and my fears will be realized. GOD I HATE BEING AN F SOMETIMES.

I'm at BU Central watching Tomb Raider on mute. This movie sucks.