It's another bright and early Tuesday morning for the Ziesels. My wife is currently taking a nap on a couch in the student lounge. I'm starting to realize that I feel really angsty on these early mornings. I think it's a combination of being really tired and always having so much to do. For instance, this morning was our student leadership meeting/Bible study, then I meet with two guys later today, then I have my student Bible study tonight, then I have staff Bible study tomorrow morning in Worcester (an hour away), then I have community group Bible study that evening, then another student meeting on Thursday, then a meeting with our campus overseer, then Nav Night, then a funding/soul care meeting that evening/Friday morning, then a student get-together on Friday night. And I have to prepare for all this stuff ahead of time, as well as write and mail our overdue newsletter, write recommendation request letters for my grad school apps, and start filling out those apps. It just seems to all be so overwhelming when you're operating on four hours of sleep. If I just think about it rationally though, it's really not that bad. It's just like working any other 40 hour a week job. And at least this is more enjoyable (at times).
On top of all this, God is starting (continuing?) to work on my heart about grad school. I'm realizing that I've got a tight grip on this prospect, and in a lot of ways I'm not asking God what He thinks about it. I did really, really well on the GRE, and now that I have such a good score I'm ready to just move on with my plans, and I really want to shut out or ignore the positives of continuing here for at least another year. In my heart of hearts, I don't want to stay, and I think I'm fearful that God might ask me to. I just want to shut down emotionally and not feel anything towards the students and the city here because as soon as I feel, I become attached. And when I become attached I get really sad about the prospect of leaving. I think God's trying to teach me something about how I use and abuse my emotions, which is very uncomfortable for me, but I know I need to learn it.
I do love the students here. I think it really hit home last week. I genuinely, deeply care for these people and want to see the best for them. And it stings to feel like I'm putting my own professional interests ahead of these wonderful people. In so many ways, I just want to continue walking life with them. I'm becoming attached, and that scares me.
You know what also scares me? Quarantine. Such a freaky movie. I loved it though.
You know what I can't wait for? The freaking election. I just want to vote already and get this over with. And I want to stop seeing election ads.
And now I have to wake Laura up, but I don't want to because she looks so peaceful. I really do love this woman. A lot. I'll just leave it at that.
2 comments:
Wow, aren't you a sneaky blogger? I had no idea, although I should've guessed from the rapid typing as I tried to fall asleep.
Love you, too!
So I'm totally behind the times- I hadn't checked your blog in like 6 months cause I thought it was going to be the same last post on your xanga... and then megan told me (in person, in colorado, 2 days ago!) that you had a blogger and I felt, well, like a bad little friendy!
Anyway. I hear you on gradschool. I am so excited for you that you got great GRE scores. Something I am learning with this whole Army thing (that, I think applies to all) is that things can be hard, hurt, and be good.... and so perhaps either staying or going will be all of those things. Plus, your scores are good for 5 years, eh? :)
Miss you guys!
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