Laura and I are in Colorado right now for our final EDGE Corps Summit. It's so hard to believe that this is actually happening, and that this will likely be our last time here at the Glen and our last time seeing many of these people. Right now, I'm having very mixed emotions about the whole thing. I'm alternately thrilled to be done with EDGE and sad that it's over, alternately excited about the coming school year and regretful that we're not joining the many friends who are moving on to other things.

Part of this tidal wave of emotions has to do with the way I see myself with the framework of The Navigators as a larger organization. I was having a conversation with one of my friends here about her future with The Navigators, and during the conversation I had a flood of thoughts that I'm having a hard time processing and explaining and that I'm trying to get down on paper (or I guess cyberspace) and hopefully sort through when I have more time to process. But I'll try to keep it cohesive for those who are reading this. Here goes...

It occurred to me that if there's one thing I've learned from my time with The Navigators, particularly at NYU, it's that I've learned who Jesus REALLY is and what the gospel REALLY means for my life. And I was thinking that somewhere along the way, I associated The Navigators with this truth, as if The Navigators had the key to understanding Jesus and His Kingdom. I don't REALLY believe that, of course, and I know that there are countless others who aren't Navigators who are just as godly if not more so than the men and women I see here. But at some subconscious level I've linked good, Biblical truth to The Navigators. It's been so frustrating, though, feeling as though there are parts of my life or even parts of our ministry that The Navigators would really just rather not deal with. I don't want to get too specific, but I've definitely felt that there are parts of myself that I can't share. Anyways, Laura and I have talked to some people about our frustration with the organization and feeling like we're unheard, and we've had some amazing counsel in this area, but ultimately it usually boils down to "just tough it out, we need people like you to help reform the organization, keep being vocal" and on and on. And I really do respect that, and I respect the men and women here who ARE trying to change things. But I wonder if that's what Laura and I really should do? I mean, during this conversation with my friend I was wondering if I'm just attached to Navs because I feel OBLIGATED, even though there are so many things that frustrate me about it. Are there are things we could be doing with our lives that would be more fulfilling or more energizing or just better for our souls? Am I following and desiring Jesus or what The Navs tell me I should be/do? Or am I just being selfish and critical? I just don't know. These few days here I've just felt like I've lost something. I feel like I don't belong. I love the people I'm working with at BU, and I do love living out the Great Commission, and I especially love counseling and ministering one-on-one with people. But I hate being made to feel guilty for wanting to continue on to grad school and for caring about intellectual stimulation and for voicing problems I have. I hate feeling like the only good I can do is through The Navigators. And I hate that I can't figure out how much of this is just me being broken and sinful and how much of it, if any, I should chalk up to The Navs.

I don't know if this is something that's been building for years or if I'm just having a bad week, but there it is. Or maybe all this angst is pouring out because I'm so upset that I'm missing the Lost season finale tonight :(